


gods & monsters

by arexnna



Series: lost stars [5]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 10:52:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2770349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arexnna/pseuds/arexnna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a little pre-4x11 one shot</p>
            </blockquote>





	gods & monsters

She doesn’t give herself time to process it, for she knows the moment she stops to think about it, she’ll break down.

Her foot weighs heavily on the pedal, and being honest, she has _no clue_ what to do. She doesn’t even know where he is. Her breaths are labored just at the thought that he may be ( _is_ ) in pain, and that the vilest of scum has control over him.

She wonders how she could have been so stupid – the past few weeks the whole town’s focus was on the _not-so-evil_ Snow Queen, when the real problem was sitting quietly in his pawn shop, as her own _son’s_ employer.

(She hates herself for not noticing, for not asking what’s wrong with him. She hates that like everything else in his life, he had to go through this alone)

(At least now, she has her family – all he has is her, and she hasn’t been doing a very good job at being his)

Her stomach churns at the possibility that she may be too late (she’s _always_ too late – she was too late with Graham and Neal, God forbid she be too late with _him_ ), that he could already be gone, taken away from her before she could do anything (and God would she do _anything_ for him).

When she _finally_ reaches the pawn shop (almost missing it entirely being so consumed by her thoughts), she walks with heavy steps towards the door, only to be met with a teary eyed Belle. She assumes the worse ( _you’re too late, you’re too late, you’re too late_ ), and for a second her own heart stops.

When Belle tells her, she feels as though she’s been brought back to life and she wastes no time getting back into her car and speeding towards him.

She takes all the shortcuts, rushing towards the docks, and nearly running into one of the dwarves, almost turning seven into six.

Tears begin to well up in her eyes, knuckles already white from the grip she holds on the steering wheel, as her heart beats a staccato against her chest. Nearly crashing into at least four lampposts, she makes it to the docks in one piece (her body, at least, is whole – inside, she’s more broken then ever).

He’s on his knees by the time she sees him – the very fact that he’s still _there_ makes her let out a long breath she didn’t realize she was holding. The relief is outweighed when she sees the way his face is scrunched up in pain, the way his fist in clenched into a ball.

She searches the area for Gold, but the place is isolated with the lone silhouette of black.

“ _Killian!”_ she manages to find the voice she’s been searching for ever since she found out.

“Swan,” comes out as a soft sigh accompanied by a gentle smile on his lips. The familiar twinkle in his eyes appear when his meet hers, and she hates that he looks so happy when he could die in a matter of seconds. The moment is lost when the same thought seems to occur in his mind as he shakes his head, physically pulling himself out of the trance. “You should leave.”

He screams in pain, and Emma rushes towards him, but he pushes his hand out, asking her to stay back while he cries out in agony.

“Stop!” she yells, not even sure where exactly Gold is. She’s very aware of the shakiness in her voice and the tears that race down her cheeks, and how weak she looks – but it’s _him_ , and she can just _be_ when it comes to him.

With him, she doesn’t have to put up a brave face – with him, she’s not the Savior, not the mother, not the daughter, she’s just Emma Swan.

“Emma, you don’t want to see this,” he urges and the bastard has time to think of her feelings while his heart is in the process of being crushed. She hates that he’s trying to spare her of what he’s felt, the watching of their loved ones have their hearts crushed, because she can’t even imagine what he went through.

“You’re _fucking_ mad to think I’d leave you.”

He smiles at that – _fucking smiles_ , “Love-“ he tries, but his face contorts in discomfort, the hand he held out to stop her from coming to him clutches at his chest. “ _Bloody hell,”_ he curses, squeezing his eyes shut.

“ _Hey,_ ” she shakes him by the arm, making him look at her, two pairs of glistening eyes meeting, when she says shakily, “Hold on – just for a bit more – I’ll get it back.”

“It’s always been yours,” he says softly, his eyes show her the sincerity behind his words. “He may be holding it, but it’ll always be yours.”

She’s scared – not of what he says, but what he means. It’s his final goodbye.

“Where’s Gold?” she asks instead, gulping back the _I love you_ that threatens to spill out (she _won’t_ say it – not like this).

He gives her a rueful smile, a smile that tells her he’s given up. “By the well, love.”

“Okay.” She pushes herself off her knees but he pulls her back down. “I can get there in 10 minutes- scratch that, give me five,” she assures him, with a smile she hopes passes off as believable. “You just- you just have to _hold on_.”

“ _Emma_ ,” he presses when she tries to get back up. “He could crush my heart any—“ His breath hitches and he releases her hand to move back to his chest, “—minute now. _Please_ don’t leave me.”

“I—“

She’s ready to leave, ready to rush towards the forest and give Gold a punch in the face that he’s had coming over the years and return Killian’s heart back to it’s rightful owner.

But he’s also right.

Gold is playing God with Killian’s life and given his track record, he doesn’t seem like the type keep Death delayed especially when it comes to a past nemesis’ fate.

She knows she should go – should at least try her luck, but she also knows, that based on the past, she’s not a very lucky person. She also knows what it’s like to be left alone, and – _God, she hates to think it_ – but being with him in his final moments is better than trying and failing with him all alone.

“ _Please_ ,” he begs, and she doesn’t miss the way his voice cracks when he speaks the single word. He falls back, leaning on the railing as his legs spread open in defeat. “Don’t leave me,” he glances back up at her, his tired eyes meeting hers before they fall back down to stare at the hooked hand he leaves lying on his thigh.

“This is giving up,” she says, though collapsing into him. Her body’s finally caught up with her mind, finally feeling the fatigue that’s been accumulating over the past weeks.

He puts his arm around her waist, pulling her back so she sits closer into him. Pressing a gentle kiss to her temple, his mouth whispers, “It’s just giving in,” and new tears begin to form in her eyes.

She clings onto his other arm tightly, water droplets gliding smoothly down the smooth skin of his jacket.

“Emma,” he shakes her slightly, and she turns her head to face him, “I won’t- I won’t say the words for I know they’ll haunt you, but just—“ he sucks in a deep breath, a single tear travelling down his cheek, “—just know that I do.”

“ _Killian-“_ her voice cracks, her tears taste salty on her tongue as she struggles with the words she didn’t want to say- _not like this_.

“It’s okay. You’re not ready,” he pulls her hand to him, wet lips pressing a soft kiss to the skin of the back of her hand. “Just sit here with me until it ends.”

She takes three deep breaths, moving to intertwine their fingers and looking to face him, her voice soft and shaky.

“I don’t want it to end.”

He smiles a broken smile, looking down at her with watery blue eyes.

“It’ll be okay,” he says strongly, pressing hard kisses against her fingers, holding back the tear that threatens to slip.

He says it like he believes it and she’s unsure if he’s trying to convince her, or himself.

Either way, neither one are convinced.

-/-

She locks herself in her room, ignoring the soft knocks at her door accompanied by the hushed _Emma_ s in attempts to draw her out. Glancing at the clock, a couple of hours have passed since she’d retreated to her room, closing the door on the outside world, to be trapped with her own pain.

The wood of the door is hard on her back, and sitting in the same position for over two hours hasn’t been comfortable for her butt. Her family takes turns in standing by her door with comforting words and gentle knocks. Henry goes first, tries coaxing her out with the promise of hot chocolate and cinnamon, and just for a second, she allows herself to smile. Her boy is sweet and she loves him dearly.

Her mother’s attempt is less than successful, and Emma begins to wonder when she lost her best friend for her mother.  

Her father’s words are gentle and tender, reassuring her that she’ll always have them. He makes soft jokes and she can’t help the smile that appears as hard as she tries to fight them. She likes to think that if she were to grow up with her parents, she would’ve been a daddy’s girl.

When he concedes, he tells her he loves her, and for the first time in two hours, she speaks.

“I love you too,” she replies, and she hears him halt in his steps. She can simply imagine the smile on his face as he walks away, and she _definitely_ sees herself as being a daddy’s girl.

With the silence of her own company, her brain mulls over the scene that she so vividly remembers from earlier.

She hates herself for being so blind, for not noticing that there was something wrong with him sooner. _She_ should have saved him.

The tears return at the thought, and she hates herself even more for being weak. Before him, she’d never let herself cry over these things, even when Neal or Graham died, she didn’t isolate herself to be acquainted with the various _what ifs_.

And even that, Killian’s not even—

“ _Bloody hell_ ,” she hears from outside her window.

The frame slides up and his dark head of hair peeks in.

“What do you want?” she jumps up, unconsciously fixing her hair ( _God she’s ridiculous_ ) as he slips himself into her room.

He straightens his jacket, glancing in the mirror to fix his hair before he turns to her. _The vain idiot._

“You wouldn’t let anyone in,” he shrugs stepping towards her.

“I need to be alone,” she crosses her arms, not willing herself to look at him. She knows that if she were to look into his eyes, she’d break, running into his arms and allowing herself to be comforted by him.

But he’s an idiot and she’ trying to be _angry_ , and she knows she’ll fall out of character the moment she looks at him.

“Well you’ve had enough of that.”

She lets out a sigh. She should’ve known he’d be like this – he is nothing but determined judging by his insistent pursuit of her, jumping over her walls as though he were an Olympic hurdler. She runs her hand down her face, still refusing to let their eyes meet. “Hook, seriously, I—“

“Emma, look at me,” he steps into her and she finally snaps.

“Don’t you see?” she pushes him back but her barely moves an inch, “I _can’t_ look at you without thinking about how I didn’t do anything to save you – you were going to _die_ , Killian!”

He breathes out something that sounds like her name, pulling her towards his chest. She tenses against him, but it only provokes him to hold her tighter.

“You were going to die and I wasn’t doing anything to stop it- _I’m_ the Savior and I didn’t save you—“ she takes a deep breath between sobs, finally conceding and wrapping her arms around him, “—Belle and Dad and _Regina_ saved you – I didn’t do _anything_.”

He pulls them apart, furrows his brows at her, a crooked smile appearing on his face. “You were there. That’s more than I can say for anyone else I’ve ever met in my 300 years. All my life I’ve been alone, but you were there, love.”

“But—“

“You saved me the day you pulled me out of that mass of bodies,” he cuts in, his words genuine and strong, making sure she believes him, “ _Never_ say you didn’t save me.”

She stares at this man, a man who doesn’t know just how precious he is, just how good he is, and she decides in that moment that she’s fallen deep in love with him.

Because just like her, he is broken – battered up by their unforgiving pasts. She likes to think that maybe their pieces fit with each other’s, and maybe that’s why what she feels for him is so strong.

“I love you,” her voice doesn’t waver at the words like she’d expected it to.

His eyes crinkle before he leans in, pressing his lips to hers. He pulls her closer, his hand resting at the nape of her neck as hers does the same. She can taste her own tears and she’s pretty sure when their tongues meet he can too. She tilts her head to match his, his nose brushing her cheek in the process as she presses hard against his soft lips.

“I love you,” he says back, pecking her once more at the corner of her mouth. “I’ll always love you.”

Her smile is sweet when she bites on her lower lip, and he thumbs at the dimple that appears. “Good,” she says, sliding out from his arms, and taking his hand into hers. She leads him towards the door, opening it slowly to find her parent’s shocked faces in the living room. Her father straightens up on the couch and her mother tilts her head in confusion. “Because,” she says, leading him out with the movement of her arm, “I’m still fucking angry that you were going to let yourself die.”

She pushes him out of the room and his face is confused to say the least.

“Swan—“

The door shuts in his face and she swears she hears the giggles of her mother and the deep chuckle of her father.

“ _Emma_.”

“Try me in about a week, Hook,” she calls back as she walks towards her bed, collapsing soundly on the mattress, “See if I’m still pissed then.”

When she hears a murmured _‘Bloody hell, this woman,’_ a triumphant smile appears on her face.

She loves him, but the idiot’s got to learn.

-/-

(The lesson doesn’t last as long as she’d planned)

(Two mornings later, she finds herself naked and utterly sated in his bed next to an equally naked, crooked-smiled Killian)

-/-


End file.
